The Stillness of Time

I can feel the severe pain coursing through my joints as I sit on a cold, hard steel chair

I glance around to ignore the pain and see my Mum looking straight ahead I don't know why she's not communicating with me maybe it's because she already knows why we're here and doesn't want me to panic

too late for that now I'm on the verge of having a breakdown I should be able to control my panic attack like I did lst night

it's so hard to disguise the feeling of panic rising in my throat I don't want to make a scene in the middle of the surgery I want to just be able to get through this appointment and get out of here

as I contemplate on trying to remain calm I hear some noisy kids coming around the corner of the hallway to the waiting room great more noise

I try and ignore the loud screeches and voices and focus on my hands while I try and control the panic in my throat that is threatening to cover my whole body the sound of my name 'Miss Williams' coming from the nurse who magically appears at the corner of my vision fills me with relief as I get up quickly from the chair to escape the now chaotically loud waiting room

the office is light and airy the room is a pale blue it seemed that all hospital rooms had to be that colour or a sickly green and I can hear rushing cars outside letting me know that the morning traffic was well underway

now what can I do for you Miss Williams

the nurse looks at me expectantly and I feel myself become more nervous under her stern gaze and turn to face my Mum

my Mum doesn't respond to the question and I realise she's wanting me to answer I'm so used to not having to talk with the Doctor much

I think I may have a consultant who is doing the treatment that you need that I can refer you to him if you want me to

Ilook to my Mum again and thankfully this time she decides to help me out my head is whirring with all the dates that I have booked and my head starts to ache with all the information I don't feel relief from the situation until yes that would be great wouldn't it Lyra

yes that would be great really I definitely need this treatment and if this is the best consultant for the job then I'm sure nothing will go wrong

from the chuckling sound coming from the Doctor I can tell I've been caught out with my not listening to the conversation I just can't help it when my Mum and the Doctor are talking about things I don't understand or care about my mind just wanders

well I can't promise anything but he is one of the best consultants for this kind of treatment and I wouldn't have recommended him if I hadn't of thought so

I nod in a robotic fashion and can feel my muscles tense around my mouth as I offer him a fake smile and say

well I'm just glad something can be done about this pain it's starting to distract me from my University life and I hate it when my health is keeping me from doing anything

the Doctor nods and his head starts to become a blur with how tired my eyes feel

education is something that we take seriously here at the surgery and if we can we will make sure we can fit this treatment around your study it will be hard though because of all the government cuts so we are limited with what we can do but we'll try everything we can

I nod and my neck seems not to be working properly if I can't get out of this room I feel as if my body will seize up if I don't get out

thanks again for everything

is there anything more I can do for you today

just as a recap so I know you know all of this but I'll refer you Lyra to this consultant and you can book an appointment with him nearer the time

my joints are groaning and my mind feels as if it's groaning along with it with how slow this appointment is taking

thank you

when the door opens back into the real world the noise of the people shocks my sense slightly

well that went more smoothly than I thought it would do what do you think about it all Lyra

why can't people just leave me alone in peace for a few seconds everyone seems to want to know my take on things

I think it's great Mum I can't wait to meet this consultant he must be good if the Doctor thinks so highly of him

getting out of the building was something of a relief that building always seemed to get too stuffy and the sunshine was forgiving and warmed my body up

you know I want the utmost happiness for you don't Lyra

Lyra you do know that don't you

yes I know Mum I'm fine I just want this appointment over and done with

I know I know darling and we'll get through this but you have to get through this semester and you'll be pain free this summer

I know it's just that I want a summer you know and this operation won't allow me to have one

look I understand that you're frustrated about this situation but you've been through this before and I'm sure you'll do absolutely fine in this situation

the shake of my head makes me realise that I probably sound like a whiny bitch if I said all of this out loud and I resolve to make sure that no one hears of my self-deprecating thoughts other than myself I didn't need anyone else other than myself at exactly how weak I am I don't care if I'm putting on a face to people it's just what I do it's how I survive with this condition in this world

This short story is from an anthology called Beyond the Walls 2018 and was created by the students of York St John University and published via Valley Press. If you want to purchase a copy to support the other young authors that I share this anthology with please pick up a copy here:http://www.valleypressuk.com/book/102/beyond_the_walls__new_writing_from_york_st_john_university

Have a great creative day, 

Rachel x